{"id":32755,"date":"2014-10-09T11:15:53","date_gmt":"2014-10-09T15:15:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/?p=32755"},"modified":"2016-07-14T16:02:37","modified_gmt":"2016-07-14T20:02:37","slug":"marathon-training-hurting-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/fitness\/marathon-training-hurting-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"Is Marathon Training Hurting Your Relationship?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Runner
Photo: Pond5<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

When Lisa\u2019s husband became interested in marathon running<\/a> a couple decades ago, she wanted to support his healthy new hobby. She\u2019d take care of their young son so he could fit in his long runs on weekends and travel with him to several races a year. \u201cIf you\u2019re there for the pre-race pasta dinner and the post-race limp, you\u2019re at least spending time together. My son and I wanted to share it with him,\u201d says Lisa, a research specialist from Western Massachusetts.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cThe spouse is almost as big of a contributor to the success of the athlete as the training.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

But over time, she says her husband\u2019s constant training put a strain on their marriage. Several nights a week, when she wanted to connect with him and recount the details of her day, he was off for a run. The long Sunday workouts ate up half the day. \u201cThat\u2019s time we weren\u2019t spending as a family,\u201d says Lisa who often referred to herself as a \u201cmarathon widow.\u201d As for the rest of the evenings, her husband\u2019s training often left him so exhausted he\u2019d fall asleep within 20 minutes of watching a movie together.<\/p>\n

RELATED:<\/b> 10 Lessons Learned While Running 100 Marathons<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n

Lisa, an avid swimmer, tried to take up running but quickly gave it up when she hurt her knee. \u201cHe would talk about running all the time, but I couldn\u2019t relate and felt left out,\u201d she says. Last summer, after 21 years of marriage, the couple divorced. \u201cI don\u2019t think marathon training was the catalyst,\u201d she says. \u201cThere were other issues, obviously. But did I resent the time he spent training and not being with me? Absolutely.\u201d<\/p>\n

Divorce by Triathlon<\/b><\/h3>\n

As the popularity of marathon<\/a> and triathlon racing soars in the U.S., athletes often think of training as a personal challenge \u2014 a solitary pursuit to boost one\u2019s self esteem or feeling of accomplishment. What\u2019s often not recognized is the toll it takes on families and significant others.<\/p>\n

\u201cEveryone has to sacrifice,\u201d explains Pete Simon, an Arizona sports psychologist and USA Triathlon certified coach<\/a> who blogs<\/a> about the phenomenon called \u2018Divorce by Triathlon.\u2019 \u201cThe spouse is almost as big of a contributor to the success of the athlete as the training. If they don\u2019t go along with it \u2014 or pick up slack \u2014 then you\u2019ve got problems.\u201d<\/p>\n

Not only do families have to adjust to an athlete\u2019s absence during peak training, which often requires 15 to 20 hours a week for extreme races, his or her training affects them in other ways. Extended family visits, social engagements and shared bottles of wine go by the wayside. Then there\u2019s the cost<\/a>: $255 to run the New York City Marathon, $700 for an Ironman spot, upwards of $1,000 for travel and hotel accommodations, and another $1,000 or more for bikes<\/a>, shoes, training and racing clothes and accessories. Never mind the price of coaching, gym and pool membership fees and nutrition, which can tack on thousands more.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Lonely
Photo: Pond5<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

If You Can\u2019t Beat \u2018Em, Join \u2018Em<\/b><\/h3>\n
\n

\u201cExtreme sports commitments become an issue when they become an obsession.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

For Steve and Kristine Kester of Duluth, Georgia, their challenge isn\u2019t placating a neglected spouse. It\u2019s juggling two <\/i>packed racing and training schedules. \u201cIn the beginning when our kids were young, we made all the mistakes of over-committing between competitions, work, church, volunteering and our kids\u2019 school activities and sports schedules,\u201d says Kristine, a certified nurse practitioner and tri coach<\/a>.<\/p>\n

They became skillful jugglers: He\u2019d fit in his weekday workouts at 4 a.m., and then she\u2019d go at 7 a.m. when he got back<\/a>. They\u2019d each take a weekend day for longer workouts. Or he\u2019d spend Sunday with the kids while she drove four hours for a one-hour race. But they missed out on time with each other. When Steve trained for two Ironman competitions two years in a row, date night became a rarity. \u201cWe were in over our heads and pledged to each other not to commit to anything unless we asked each other first,\u201d says Kristine.<\/p>\n

RELATED: <\/b>12 Keys to Achieving Work-Life Balance<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n

Now they make a list of all the races they want to do each year and agree that only one person can train for a big race at a time. Last month, Steve competed in Ironman Chattanooga (and qualified for the world championships in Kona, Hawaii in 2015), and Kristine volunteered in the medical tent and kept track of his gear.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey call spouses \u2018Iron Mates,\u2019\u201d says Steve, a private equity investor. \u201cThey help schlep your equipment, keep things in order at home, and listen to you whine for nine months.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

With two kids in college and one in junior high, the couple now finds more time to work out together, including swimming in a master\u2019s group. \u201cI do wonder if she was doing all these races and I was working all the time if we would have had more conflict,\u201d says Steve. \u201cThe fact that we both got into this in a big way at the same time probably helped us understand each other and everything we had to learn to do to make it all work.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Keeping the Peace<\/b><\/h3>\n

Relationship experts say that the key to preventing extreme training schedules from creating resentment is recognizing and appreciating a partner\u2019s sacrifices. And, of course, supporting his or her hobbies in return. Here are some tips for getting through those tough training months.\u00a0<\/p>\n

1. Compensate with quality time together.<\/b>\u00a0
\u201cYou have to make sure you\u2019re present with your partner,\u201d explains Steven Stosny, a counselor in Washington D.C. and author of Living and Loving after Betrayal<\/a>: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment. <\/i>\u201cExtreme sports commitments become an issue when they become an obsession. It\u2019s not so much the time athletes spend training. It\u2019s also the time they\u2019re thinking about it<\/a> at home and not connecting with their families.\u201d<\/p>\n

2. Include them in everything.
<\/b>Ask your partner to help you plan your schedule so he or she feels you\u2019re being considerate of other family obligations, says Simon. If possible, invite a spouse to train with you. \u201cEven if you\u2019re at different levels, you can do a recovery ride with them or take the entire family on an open water swim,\u201d he says. If your family isn\u2019t athletically inclined, you can choose races at destinations they\u2019d like to visit and make the trip into a mini-vacation. Bonus: Your favorite people cheering you on at the finish line.<\/p>\n

3. Be flexible with training.
<\/b>Simon suggests getting workouts out of the way first thing in the morning, or training smarter by doing higher intensity exercises<\/a> that take less time. Athletes can also choose shorter races, such as half-marathons<\/a> or sprint or Olympic-distance tris,\u00a0 which are challenging but still allow you to have a personal life. \u201cYou don\u2019t want to get to the point where your family is tired of you training and tired of you being gone,\u201d he says. \u201cSometimes you have to aim for balance.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Marathon training can take a toll on your body and your state of mind. But is it costing you your relationship, too? Learn the warning signs and how to make it work. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":46,"featured_media":32761,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[21,24,6],"tags":[159,289,111,253,108,282,341,357,156],"class_list":["post-32755","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-cardio","category-exercise","category-fitness","tag-anxiety","tag-exercise","tag-marathon","tag-relationships","tag-running","tag-stress","tag-tax1living-well","tag-tax2running","tag-triathlon"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32755","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/46"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32755"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32755\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/32761"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32755"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32755"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32755"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}