{"id":44734,"date":"2017-02-01T11:15:09","date_gmt":"2017-02-01T16:15:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/?p=44734"},"modified":"2021-11-18T11:35:21","modified_gmt":"2021-11-18T16:35:21","slug":"negative-self-talk-self-esteem-tips","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dailyburn.com\/life\/lifestyle\/negative-self-talk-self-esteem-tips\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Ways to Banish Negative Self-Talk for Good"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Photo: Twenty20<\/a><\/i><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Erica Bartlett has spent most of her adult life saying horrible things to herself. As a heavy teenager, her greatest hits included: \u201cI\u2019m so ugly. No one will ever be attracted to me. I can\u2019t stand to see how big I look in the mirror. I have no willpower<\/a> around brownies<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

She started gaining weight after struggling with loneliness and low self-esteem, and her own put-downs just made her feel worse, fueling a vicious cycle. At age 24, she carried 259 pounds on her 5\u20190\u201d frame. It was her mother\u2019s unexpected death from cancer around that\u00a0time that made Bartlett think about mortality and motivated her to get healthy. Her goal: To climb Katahdin, a 5,200-foot mountain in Maine that her mother loved and spread her ashes. Yet, as she lost 130 pounds over the next couple years by\u00a0eating better and exercising, Bartlett still kept up the self-hate: \u201cWhy does so much loose skin hang off my arms? I\u2019ll never be athletic. I still look ugly.\u201d<\/p>\n

RELATED:<\/strong>\u00a07 Daily Habits That Are Sabotaging Your Mental Health<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cI discovered that having such a negative focus was really exhausting,\u201d says Bartlett, now 39, a software product analyst and health coach<\/a> living in Portland, Maine. \u201cIt takes a lot of energy to constantly criticize yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all been guilty of dwelling on the negative. However, when that gloomy self-talk becomes a habit, over time it can make you depressed, anxious and stressed<\/a>. Or it leads to destructive behavior, such as stress eating<\/a>. \u201cIf you do it over and over, it becomes automatic. It becomes hard-wired in our brains like bike riding,\u201d explains Mort (Doc) Orman, MD, a Baltimore-based stress relief expert and author of Stop Negative Thinking: How to Stop Worrying, Relieve Stress and Become a Happy Person Again<\/em><\/a>.<\/p>\n

RELATED:<\/strong>\u00a09 Mantras to Find Zen from Gabrielle Bernstein’s New Book<\/a><\/p>\n

Even though all that pessimistic pondering can feel like it\u2019s got a stranglehold on our psyches, it\u2019s surprisingly not that hard to change the habit. \u201cWe grow up with parents and teachers constantly correcting us,\u201d he says. \u201cSo we have to work at bringing out the positive<\/a> things in life.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how to deflate the power of those toxic negative thoughts.<\/p>\n

5 Ways to Erase Negative Self-Talk (and Start Being Kinder to Yourself)<\/h2>\n

1. Know your triggers.
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\u201cIf you can turn your negative thinking around and focus on what\u2019s good, you have a lot more energy.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It\u2019s important to identify what makes you sink into a shame spiral. One of the most popular methods of squashing negative thinking is called cognitive behavioral therapy<\/a>, which is based on the idea that thoughts influence feelings, which then influence behavior. The goal is to recognize your unhelpful thought patterns, so you can challenge them and create a new habit. \u201cDoing this work empowers clients to be able to make desired behavioral changes,\u201d explains Jeff Riggenbach, PhD, a counselor based in Oklahoma and author of The CBT Toolbox: A Workbook for Clients and Clinicians<\/em><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Start by thinking back to your most recent down-in-the-dumps episode: Did thoughts of \u201cI\u2019m not pretty enough\u2026social enough\u2026or funny enough\u201d make you feel insecure at a party? And did that, in turn, make you want to drink too much wine<\/a>? With enough awareness, you can interrupt that defeating thought next time \u2014 before it does damage.<\/p>\n

RELATED:<\/strong> The Surprising Ways Exercise Can Help You Embrace Your Body<\/a><\/p>\n

2. Explore the opposite reality.<\/h3>\n

Make it a game. For example, if you\u2019re thinking \u201cI\u2019ll never lose weight,\u201d flip it around and tell yourself, \u201cI can lose weight.\u201d You\u2019ll end up surprising yourself by finding evidence to back up your new position. \u201cAll you have to do is think \u2018Could I see anything that would make this valid or true?\u2019\u201d says Orman. \u201cMaybe it\u2019s \u2018Well, I did lose 20 pounds a few years ago, so I know what changes to make<\/a>.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Taking that extra step to prove it to yourself is more effective than just telling yourself \u201cI can lose weight.\u201d By thinking though arguments that challenge your original position, you can start to whittle away an automatic belief.<\/p>\n

RELATED:<\/strong> Buh-Bye, Monday Blues: 10 Tricks to Boost Happiness<\/a><\/p>\n

3. Put an end to black and white thinking.<\/h3>\n

Watch out for thoughts containing the words \u201calways\u201d or \u201cnever.\u201d They\u2019re usually distorted and don\u2019t give you an accurate view of what\u2019s happening in your life. Classic examples: \u201cI will never succeed\u201d or \u201cI always mess up my workouts.\u201d Absolutes, such as \u201cif I can’t do it all, none of it is worth doing\u201d or \u201cI just ate a cupcake and now my diet is destroyed,\u201d are dangerous, too.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe encourage people to take a bigger picture perspective,\u201d says Riggenbach, who suggests this healthier approach: \u201cI had a setback one day, so I need to learn from it. But I have stuck to my plan nine days out of 10.\u201d<\/p>\n

RELATED:<\/strong> 7 Ways to Carve Out Time to Meditate<\/a><\/p>\n

4. Play out the worst-case scenario in your head.<\/h3>\n

Don\u2019t just think about the negative consequences<\/a> of whatever is causing you anxiety. Play out the scenario in your mind like a movie with lots of details. You\u2019ll start to realize that the consequences of your action probably<\/em> aren\u2019t quite so extreme.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s the finding of a new Boston University study<\/a> that asked 20 people suffering from generalized anxiety disorder and 19 healthy students to repeatedly imagine positive, negative and neutral events. The chronic worriers didn\u2019t add a lot of details, whereas the control group could better articulate what they thought might happen. \u201cThe worriers were stuck in a more abstract negative idea of the future. They couldn\u2019t think their way out of a negative scenario,\u201d explains lead author Jade Wu, a clinical psychology doctoral student.<\/p>\n

She gives this example: Worried about money? See yourself at your desk in tears over a pile of bills. What would you do when you stopped crying? Would you pick the most urgent bill? How would you problem solve? \u201cBy really fleshing it out, you can feel the worst of it and snap out of the feeling.\u201d When it comes to dieting, eating an extra cupcake might screw up your calorie-counting\u00a0that\u00a0<\/em>day \u2014 but it’s not going to sabotage your weight loss goals. You’ll do better tomorrow.<\/p>\n

RELATED:<\/strong> How to Get Good at Stress (And Make It Work in Your Favor)<\/a><\/p>\n

5. Grill yourself.<\/h3>\n

Remember the Socractic Method<\/a> from college \u2014\u00a0when teachers would question you to stimulate critical thinking? Well, a recent study<\/a> by psychologists at Ohio State University showed that patients who were questioned by their therapists to challenge their beliefs felt less depressed over time. Researchers asked 55 patients who participated in a 16-week course of cognitive therapy for depression to fill out a questionnaire at the beginning of each session about their symptoms. The more Socratic questions the therapists used, the better patients felt.<\/p>\n

For example, if a patient said, \u201cI\u2019m a failure because I\u2019m divorced,\u201d the therapist might ask: \u201cIs everyone who experienced divorce a failure? Can you think of anyone for whom that is not true?\u201d The idea is to teach patients to ask themselves such questions when they slip into negative thought patterns.<\/p>\n

As for Bartlett, she felt better about herself when she re-framed her negative thoughts<\/a> into more positive ones. Instead of hating her body, she reminded herself of all the amazing things her body could do. \u201cSure, some of my skin is loose, but I can hug another person, taste delicious foods, walk for miles and play in the sand. These are gifts I still have,\u201d she says. \u201cIf you can turn your negative thinking around and focus on what\u2019s good, you have a lot more energy<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

For more tips on how to prevent negative thinking and encourage kindness, check out this interview with Daily Burn 365 class participant, Jonas Cohen, and host, JD Roberto:<\/em><\/p>\n